failed optimism with hopeful futures

An overall goal I have in life is to try to stay optimistic, and always look at the positive side of things and people. Lately I have been failing miserably at this endeavor!!! I have been so wrapped up in my own life and my own problems and my own stresses. I have just been SO selfish. I don't know where this major shift took place, but yesterday I was listening to myself just rant about something, and realized this really does need to stop. Sure, I may have more bills than I have the means to cover. Yes, I may get frustrated at family and friends for things they say and do. Sometimes I wish I were somewhere else (a foreign country maybe?) at a different stage of life (like, 30?), or that I at least had some direction in my life.

But despite all this, I have been SO blessed in my life. In comparing my lot with others, I can't believe I even dare complain about anything at all. On the bus going to and from work I like to just sit back and watch people; you definitely meet a crazy combination of people through public transportation. I was just watching some random people get on and off the bus, and tried to imagine some of the things they're going through. It is easy to tell that some of them are STRUGGLING. Mental disorders, struggling with unemployment, and even the guy with a HOOK for a hand. At least I have jobs, both hands, and my sanity!

I have the support of an amazing family, and I am lucky enough to have many great friends. Other people would die to have even just one friend as amazing as mine are. I've traveled throughout parts of the world that many others will only dream about. I have a roof over my head, and even if I can't necessarily afford to live in it, I know it will all work out and I'll be OK. I'll always have a bed to sleep in! I complain because I don't have my favorite brand of soymilk or that I don't have any new clothes... some people won't eat at all today, and will wear the same shirt for days and weeks. I am not starving, I am not living in poverty, and I have the freedom to do what I want and do what I want to do. How lucky am I?

The other day I mentioned I wish my life were like in The Giver- where they just pick out your life for you and plan it all out. Somehow I venture to think this might be easier for me. Suddenly it hit me that there truly ARE people living like that in this world-- not in some fiction book, but real people who live in such corrupt and messed up countries that their dictators tell them how to earn a living and what to do with their money, control where they live and where they can go (aka nowhere), and even how many kids they can have. My heart aches for them, yet I continue to sit around and mope about my struggles. Well enough of that, ladies and gentlemen; this girl needs to get her butt in gear! I think it's about time for some major changes around here...

working on the WSD thing

Although I love my job, occasionally I get distracted and find other projects that consume bits of my time. Today I've picked out this summer's swimsuit, my future wedding ring, and a few pairs of shoes. I also enjoy scanning some of my favorite websites for bits of entertainment throughout the day. Urban dictionary.com is definitly among the favorites list, so today we are going to expand upon basic vocabulary.

TOP ELEVEN WORDS OF THE DAY
frienvy: feeling of want or need for something a friend might have. People often experience friendvy when a close friend of theirs loses weight, gets a promotion, or finds a new lover.

bragadocious: an adjective describing something or someone that is bragging too much

word out: marks the end of your conversation and your departure. opposite of "word up"

WSD: "Write Shit Down". A popular method of organization. Works equally well in one's personal or professional life.

dandruff: one who always ditches or "flakes" on group activities

january joiner: join the gym in January, over it by February

brokeback: anything of questionable masculinity; a broke-back man purse

safety buzz: drinking so you have an excuse for all the stupid things you may do later

f that s: to replace vulgar language with the letters they begin with. as to not sound like an 8 year old who just learned the word.

facebookable: content is considered appropriate enough to be viewed by the general public of the facebook community i.e. friends/significant others/family/coworkers without having to worry about explaining a sketchy situation

400 K.C.'s: supposedly making out for 20 minutes burns 400 (kilo)calories

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Virginia also introduced me to another fantastic blog, which can be found at: http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/

No idea who the author is, but this is some FUNNY STUFF.

addendum

Virginia's additions to the BRX file:

-funny hostel owners in Amsterdam: "now girls, if you smoke a joint, vemember to open zee vindow"
-keeping the heater on during the day even though "it hurt the global warming"
-Nils
-independent Romanian films at the EP
-cruising in Mindaugus' Beemer trying to make him dance at the red lights
-sharing headbands
-that MEAN man at the Dutch farmer's market!!!
-"hey, how was last night with jean-claude?" "uhh...i just got home!"
-Roqueforts and Leffes ;)
-"i challenge you to a dual!"
-corduroy pants and chest hair
-WELCOME TO AMERRRICA, BAM!

livin large in the BRX

So I have been trying my best since I got home to not talk about Brussels too much. I don't wanna be that annoying study abroad girl who just won't shut up about it. But really it's about all I ever think about. Memories created there make me laugh every day and I miss our little intern family! Virginia's latest post got me to thinking even MORE about it, so I figured one little dedication to Brussels couldn't hurt...

Things I miss about living in Europe:
-catching a train and waking up in a new country
-Ryan Air
-George and Jean Claude... my African lovers
-AMSTERDAM with V Strats.
-galavanting all night with Seb and Flo- and then stealin their bed
-Seb teaching us how to make a crack card
-living with Virg and Andrea... probly the best flat of life
-seeing 9 countries in 3 months
-waking up to a mug and tea outside my door
-funny sleepovers...
-night(s) out with Lucky Charms and Terminator
-SPOONING!!!
-Clifford.. the best couch on earth
-Mini Coupe, Mr J, and the Stallion. And Stank, of course
-loner "parsley celebration" nights
-cheese and wine european appreciation extravaganzas.
-going to conferences all over Brussels for the free food and drinks
-night capps. and morning capps
-a good Kriek
-Taco Tuesdays at the Crown House
-Durums!!! why hasn't america caught on to kababs???
-the guy who knew my order at the Kabab shop, right when i walked in the door
-culture dinners with the HRWF gang
-making messes, followed by angela being mad at us!
-running at the Lakes
-dancing on tables
-dancing basically anywhere
-galavanting and picnics at the park
-Grand Place... and everything about it
-bus 95, and actually having time to read
-the beauty of Ireland
-meeting on Rogier after work! I LOVE "WE"
-the crackhead who walked me home
-Thanksgiving in Portugal
-ANDRE from Faro and his hotness and his flat and his words of wisdom
-old men on skooters:)
-euro-halloween parties. and wearing Togas on the metro.
-the inability to eavesdrop cuz everyone's speaking a different language
-being surrounded by culture and chocolate and museums and flea markets
-the market at Gare du Midi
-just staring at Big M (just look, don't touch!)
-getting caught up in MCM (many hours of gay Next and Parental Control)
-roadtrips to Normandie with Euro-friends
-making music videos in the car
-castles and palaces and museums
-Place Lux and Misterwash
-waffles, frites, mussels, Fanta, cafes and chocolates
Really, what's there not to miss???

Over the weekend, I drove Travis's van for a while, and basically fell in love with it. It is GIANT, relatively unattractice, and SO FREAKING SWEET. Aside from the fact that it was nice to just have a car and be mobile for a bit, my mind started racing with ideas on how to completely pimp out this beastly thing.

First of all, I would paint the entire thing. There was a van parked at Schuman roundabout in Brussels every day that was simply amazing. I'm not as cool as the bearded man who drove that one, by any means... but I could work on it-by growin out some dreads, for example.

After painting it (although i would leave babbles about the apocalypse out of it) I could replace the back seat with a bed, throw in some Rasta curtains, replace the carpet with shag, and eventually upgrade to a mini-fridge.

Quite possibly the best idea I ever had.

In other news, OBAMA WON WISCONSIN yesterday, giving him his tenth straight victory in the primaries. Is it even possible to express how much I love that man? NO, I think not. Although if you've had even one conversation with me in the last month you might have an idea...

I could go on about the million reasons I respect him and why I think he would be a great President... but I think I'll save that for another day. I could probably write a book about it, really. Until I work up the initiative to do that, go look it up yourself!!!

the provo effect

I've come to realize, after about 4 years living here, that Provo has a bizarre affect on the mind. It changes your mentality of things, and often times you start to second guess the way you view the world and even the way you think.

I was talking to my sister about this recently, and realized there is a sort of pattern that comes out of it over time. Although 4 years in college, let alone Provo, can drive a person mad, it is somewhat necessary in order to bring yourself full circle. Let me expound...

After you graduate from high school, you are confident and excited to take on the world. Basically you feel like a badass- you WILL conquer the world. Then you get to Provo, and suddenly the insecurities take over. Freshman year is a blast and you make lots of friends, but you are removed from your "home base foundation" you grew up with, and you have to start rediscovering yourself altogether. Also, in Utah you are surrounded by millions of Mormons- so if you are one, you inevitably begin to compare yourself to the rest of them. More often than not... at least if you are like me... you may start to think of yourself as a bad person. Inadequate to others' standards. To top things off, you have surely recieved your first F on a test by now, leading you to believe you are stupider than everyone else in the Utah Valley, possibly even the country.

By sophomore year, you've dabbled into the Provo dating scene and either come out with a boyfriend and a marriage proposal (it seems like a very high percentage of girls dropped off about this point...) or a few awkward moments. Lucky me, I came out with both. All your guy friends have ditched out for missions, and you are surrounded by RMs- spiritual giants who again challenge your self-views as a spiritually capable and knowledgeable person. All of a sudden you realize you know relatively nothing of the Gospel. Even if you wanted to go on a mission to try to catch up, it couldn't be for at least another year or two.

Around Junior year, you become fed up with feeling inadequate. You never feel good enough, you don't understand why all you wanna do is hang out with Raj at 7-11 when everyone else is studying, and people are starting to notice when you skip out on the last hour of Church. You realize the only way to figure out where you fit in this mess of a city is to figure out exactly who YOU are and what YOU want. Not what your parents want, your roommates want, the person you're dating wants, and maybe not even what your Bishop wants. All those different requests on your time and ideas start to bog you down and you lose sight of your true goals. What do YOU want?

At this point things might get a little crazy. (Maybe I should only speak for myself on that matter...) You're in a mad hunt to figure yourself out, and next year's graduation begins to loom near. Although mostly you're just confused, and frustrated that you dont really know what's going on, you may become obstinate to outside opinion during this stage. If you're figuring out who YOU are, you can't invite others' inputs, obviously. So you come across a little stubborn, maybe even a tad bitchy.

Finally Senior year arrives. At this point, it's really up to you which direction to go. I don't mean in a matter of like good v bad, or church v no church or anything like that... That decision is yours all along the way. You don't need 4 years of college to get to that point. However, you do have a lot of decisions regarding what to do next. Maybe you've had another marriage proposal or two by this point. Maybe you're considering a mission, if you're a girl, or maybe you have absolutely no idea what you're going to do now (After all, weren't you suppoed to be married by this point???) Hopefully by graduation you have some sort of gameplan. Aside from just a general outline for the next few years of your life, hopefully by this point you have come toward a feeling of completion on this little university journey.

Inevitably, you are a different person. Provo has changed you. It's not just Provo that does it-- if you lived anywhere you would have changed a lot by this point. You are the same at your core, but basically a much more confident version of yourself. You can measure where you stand against "them", and be perfectly alright with it. You can once again enjoy your Diet Coke, squeeze in an occasional R-rated movie, and rant about your views as a Democrat (heaven forbid in Utah!) and not even care how anybody else feels about it! It is quite the invigorating feeling, this new self-acceptance thing. How you measure against anyone else no longer matters, and you are living for yourself, and for your own relationship with God (If, obviously, that is included on the path you choose. Which, hopefully it is.)

This timeline can surely vary by person- some stages may fly by, and others may seem to dwell forever. However, hopefully you come out of it feeling as if you have come full circle, with a deeper understanding and appreciation for yourself. Now is the time to once again feel like a badass. And hopefully this time the feeling lasts.

figurative devirgination

Ahhh my first blog posting! I've put this off for months.... years actually, always sure that anything I would put out for public would be tainted by my own naive fears of judgment and desire for social acceptance. However, currently I couldn't care less about all that so it seems fitting to start throwing my thoughts around out loud. I have nobody to try and impress, no desire to be someone I am not, and am finally proud of myself, my thoughts, and even ready to defend my actions. Plus, we all know I love to talk so this simply provides an additional venue to do so.

I've gotten really good at keeping a personal journal lately, and plan to continue doing so. It feels good to just release tangents sometimes, or to sort out thoughts and plans with a pen or on a keyboard. My journal is great, but sometimes I develop insights I wouldn't mind sharing with close friends, or experience things I just can't wait to tell everybody about. What better way to address this issue than a blog??? So, here we go; welcome to the land of Chrissy on Crack!